8 hours, 25 minutes left.
It didn't take too many days of driving 200 miles round-trip to and from work for me to figure out that audiobooks were probably going to save my sanity. In point of fact, it took two days. Two days of driving from Phoenix to Tucson and back, jamming at the radio station presets like the Morse Code guy on the Titanic. There's a spot somewhere out there between the two cities where there aren't any radio channels at all, none, zero, and it is Not Good. If you haven't ever driven from Phoenix to Tucson, and I know a lot of you haven't, imagine driving on the moon at 85 miles-per-hour right after the moon decides to shoot itself in the face. That shit is BLEAK. And you need to occupy yourself somehow so you don't catch yourself on the lookout for burning tire cities or diesel Jeeps full of marauding pirates.
So I downloaded a bunch of audiobooks to my iPhone. The first book I listened to was Full Dark, No Stars by Stephen King. I have absolutely no idea why I chose this particular book, since I've never read anything by Stephen King and never particularly regretted that decision. But this was the book I chose, right, so let's do this. I got approximately FOUR HOURS into this thing-- four hours out of a total fourteen-- before I finally and mercifully figured out that I was listening to a collection of three short stories and not a fourteen hour novel. That was the best thing about the entire book, actually, the realization that I wasn't going to have to listen to ten more hours of some dude getting eaten alive by rats.
I was feeling pretty good cruising into Story #2, right, what with the rats and the gnawing and the dead woman rotting in the well all in my rearview, but it turns out my relief was shortlived. The second story (unlike the first story) was narrated by a female. A hauntingly familiar female. I sat in my car, both hands on the wheel, listening with my mouth open as this little lilting voice introduced her character-- a young, naive, successful author-- and I tried to get a handle on how I knew her.
"She's a singer," I thought, as she narrated her way through a fictional book signing event. "Or wait, no, she's an actress." She described leaving the event, taking an unfamiliar route, la-di-da.
It was one of those stupid trivia facts you just can't manage to put your finger on-- the kind of trivia you typically bet your mate a dollar over- or a gratuitous sex act, maybe- before reaching for any one of the five Internet machines in your immediate periphery to settle which one of you gets to take their pants off.
But I was driving, obviously, and not about to scroll through IMDB on the highway, so I had to rely on my brain for data recollection. Worst case scenario. So I'm sitting there, my brain whirring and clicking its way through the dented hard drive, while our protagonist finds herself stranded along the side of the road. And as my brain begins to isolate the file I'm looking for, this poor woman is abducted and viciously sexually assualted by a truck driver. It was right around the time she found herself strangled half to death and naked in a ditch that I realized who this woman was: It was Jessica Hecht. Victoria from Sideways is narrating this nightmare of a story. Susan from fucking Friends is now running naked and bleeding down a dark country road.
I didn't even listen to the third story. It was probably a serial killer memoir voiced by Dakota Fanning.
I downloaded the A Song of Ice and Fire series and I've been listening to that pretty much nonstop since then. I hear a lot of people lamenting the fact that once they finish A Dance with Dragons there won't be another book in the series to read for a while, and I'm pretty sure I've found the solution. Stop reading. Let a theatric British guy read that shit to you instead. Each book is fifty hours long, you will NEVER EVER FINISH, TRUST ME.
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Reader Comments (11)
I forgot to mention that I started a tumblr, too, and only about four years after everyone else did.
http://outofcharactersuburb.tumblr.com
I seem to be erring on the side of podcasts these days myself. I started listening to Planet Money a while back and now I'm like OMG ECONOMICS WAT, like all the time. But it's riveting. Like the other day they had this show about what happened to LARD, and the whole day I was like "Right? Where did lard go?" So, uh, I guess that just ups my nerd cred now, or something.
I've done that drive to Tucson and back too many times to count and I'll agree with you. Worst. Drive. Ever. for sanity.
Isn't it terrible? The first couple of times I was on the lookout for an end to the bleakness, but I never got there. Once you pass the oil refinery there's an abandoned rest stop. Once you pass the abandoned rest stop there's some kind of industrial train depot that's falling apart. I guess I SORT of look forward to that grove of trees near Picacho (what are they, pecan trees?) but even THAT'S tainted by the prison.
BLEEEEEEAK.
I second the vote for podcasts, I was on a huge Pod F. Tompkast jag for awhile, and I love Ronna and Beverly. Also, welcome to Tumblr! I have one that no one reads, ever, but it's nice to feel like I'm participating. (http://televisedsilence.tumblr.com/)
Phil and Eden, I honestly forgot all about podcasts. My brain thinks it's 1991 so I'm scouring second-hand bookstores for books on tape.
I've been doing audio books and podcasts for a couple of years now - while walking the dog (and OH YES you can bet we listen to The Dog Trainer podcast, too). Check your library for books - I can "borrow" them right from the library's website - FREE.
I usually listen to a book, then catch up on a pile of podcasts, then another book. . . though it's a little disconcerting sometimes, to see the crazy lady out walking the big scary dog at 5 in the morning, laughing her face off. . . who knew the Bob Newhart memoir would be that funny?
Okay, I'm looking into all of these suggestions, people, thank you. Keep them coming, please, I obviously (as always) need assistance.
Does Bob narrate his own memoir? Those are my favorites, the books narrated by the author. I've got a CD copy of Douglas Adams reading The Restaurant at the End of the Universe and it's one of my favorite things.
Required Podcast listening: This American Life. Good writers telling good stories, what's not to love? (Also, Ira Glass.) I'm also a big fan of the Savage Lovecast, because hearing Dan Savage swear up a storm through the car speakers is ALWAYS guaranteed to make the miles fly right by. And of course, the aforementioned Planet Money.
Oh, and I'd also recommend The Moth for more storytelling. Always good stuff.
What do you think of Roy Dotrice? He's alright but I hate the way he does women, and his Tyrion is a touch smarmy for my tastes. Just wait till book four when they bring some other guy in to read, then SWITCH back to Roy for book 5. Driving me nuts.
Dree, it's so funny that you mentioned that, since it's something I think a lot about. I listened to book 3 with Dotrice and enjoyed it, I thought he did a pretty good job of creating subtly different voices for 900 characters- except for Dany and Brienne, both of whom he makes sound like whiny five-year-olds. You're right, he does a terrible job with women. And yeah, he's got Tyrion way too high-pitched or something. And too Scotish? Way too brogue-y.
But the OTHER guy, man. When THAT guy started reading book 4, it was like listening to someone trying to do bad theater. Just over the top with the dramatics- and SO fucking SLOW! My god! I literally had to set it on 1.5 speed just to get through it.
So I was happy to get back to Dotrice in book 5. Until we got to a Dany chapter. Oh, and in THIS book he keeps pronouncing Catelyn "CAITlyn", which he had right in the other book. So every time he says CAITlyn, I have to scream, "CATlyn!" at the dashboard of my car.